A book cover waiting for its author
Or how a premade book cover developed serious behavioral problems.
The American investigative journalist who uncovered this story received a Pulitzer Prize. The FBI is still investigating why.
A serious crisis had erupted at Sunset Paradise Retirement Home in Florida. The residents refused to exercise. More people slept through morning gymnastics than actually participated, and on one occasion, even the physical therapist fell asleep. The director therefore turned to the internet in search of a new fitness instructor.
Miss Scarlet’s advertisement seemed perfect. Flexibility, intense physical activity, pole dancing, and a guaranteed increase in heart rate.
The director immediately booked her for Thursday at 3 p.m.
But Scarlet never arrived.
Her book cover showed up instead.
You see, the previous evening, UNSOLVED, a one-of-a-kind thriller premade book cover, had stolen the address and appointment time from Scarlet’s calendar. It had decided to become a stripper.
Why?
Just because.
The cover, incidentally, had a rather gloomy personality. A black-and-white female figure, an abandoned house, a fingerprint, and blood-red details. A classic psychological thriller book cover that immediately suggested someone was about to die.
Preferably someone else.
At precisely three o’clock on Thursday, the book cover entered the library wearing red sequined stilettos and fishnet stockings. The librarian nearly had a heart attack. The director, however, was delighted to see that the new fitness instructor employed such remarkably creative teaching aids.
The cover climbed onto the library’s brass lamp pole.
Mr. Thompson, who had been confined to a wheelchair for six years, immediately stood up. Mrs. Henderson threw away her walker. Ninety-four-year-old Mr. Wilson, who had been deaf for fifteen years, heard the music from the neighboring building and came running in his pajamas.
By this point, the director was already giving an interview to the local television station about the retirement home’s revolutionary new fitness program.
However, when the third item of clothing was supposed to come off, a minor technical problem arose.
Book covers, unfortunately, do not have removable clothing.
UNSOLVED was therefore forced to undress itself.
First, it removed the author’s name. Then the title. Finally, every last trace of typography.
The audience went wild.
The director fainted.
Mr. Thompson lost his dentures.
And the library’s brass lamp came crashing down, taking the building’s entire electrical system with it.
Local television broadcast the whole thing live.
An American investigative journalist spent three months investigating the incident. In his Pulitzer Prize-winning report, he revealed that the residents’ physical condition had improved dramatically, medication use had declined, and, for the first time in the institution’s history, every male resident had voluntarily signed up for Friday’s communal shower.
Meanwhile, the real Scarlet had sued her own book cover for identity theft, breach of contract, and unauthorized pole dancing.
Unfortunately, the cover had already disappeared.
The FBI issued an international arrest warrant, listing its distinguishing characteristics as a unique, dark and atmospheric mystery thriller book cover, available for purchase only once.
According to its lawyer, the cover had merely exercised its right to pursue a new career.
The residents of Sunset Paradise have gathered in the library every Thursday at three o’clock ever since.
Mr. Thompson’s dentures remain missing.
The prime suspect is ninety-four-year-old Mr. Wilson, who now possesses two sets of dentures.
Neither of them is his.
Continue the Conversation
If this story resonated with you, here are three more you might enjoy.
– She Spent 23 Minutes Scrubbing a Thriller Book Cover. There Was Just One Problem
A cleaning lady, a stubborn stain, and a thriller book cover that refuses to come clean. Twenty-three minutes later, someone has made a terrible mistake.
– Two Men Tried to Choose a Dark Romance Book Cover. It Did Not Go Well
Two friends, two snakes, four roses, and several imaginary people. Choosing a dark romance premade book cover has never required so much explanation.
– I’d Like to Explain This Cover. Unfortunately, I Designed It.
A professional analysis of a dark romance book cover involving two men, a skull, a romantic spaghetti dinner, and a designer desperately trying to sound like she knows what she’s doing.
Want to Give UNSOLVED a Proper Job?
A one-of-a-kind psychological thriller premade book cover. UNSOLVED has already stolen a stripper’s appointment, destroyed a library, and attracted the attention of the FBI. Perhaps it’s time someone gave it an actual novel. This unique thriller premade book cover is available for purchase only once. Buy it before it decides to pursue another completely inappropriate career.
Get the UNSOLVED book cover on Ko-fi →
Mad Tea Afternoon
Enjoyed this nonsense?
Mad Tea Afternoon is free to read. If it made you laugh, you can buy me a €3 coffee and help me ruin the life of another perfectly innocent book cover tomorrow.
☕ Fund tomorrow’s nonsense for €3
Leave a Reply