This premade cover was designed by BoN Editions
The biggest day of the dark romance book cover’s life had finally arrived.
She was getting married.
The groom was handsome, rich, immortal, and lactose intolerant. They tried to keep that last detail a secret, because maintaining the image of a dark, irresistible vampire was rather difficult when a single cappuccino could make you shit yourself.
The wedding was being held in a thirteenth-century castle. The bride, dressed in black lace and surrounded by an ornate golden frame, was waiting for the happiest day of her life.
Unfortunately, the groom had been farting since breakfast.
At his bachelor party the night before, he had drained a baker of his blood. Shortly before the attack, the baker had consumed a litre and a half of milk and six cream-filled pastries.
The vampire only discovered this when it was far too late.
At three in the morning, noises were coming from one of the coffins that sounded like a broken cement mixer attempting to take off.
By sunrise, three bats had moved out of the castle.
The bride was furious.
“If you fart ONE MORE TIME, I’m calling off the wedding!”
The vampire lowered his head apologetically.
Then his trousers spoke.
The bride’s golden frame cracked.
Not that she had much to be proud of herself.
At her bachelorette party, she had knocked back twelve Bloody Marys. She drank the thirteenth straight from a flower vase.
She suffered from chronic acid reflux, and her doctor had strictly forbidden her from consuming tomatoes, alcohol, or engaging in any activity that might result in her spitting acid at a priest the following morning.
Naturally, the bride had ignored all three warnings.
At four in the afternoon, the organ began to play.
The guests stood up. Four skeletons carried the bride down the aisle, because, being a book cover, she had no legs.
The vampire waited at the altar in a black tuxedo. He was pale, nervous, and slightly sweaty.
The priest opened his Bible.
“We are gathered here today to…”
PRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRT.
Every candle in the castle went out simultaneously.
The priest closed his Bible.
“…to unite two loving hearts…”
PFFFFRRRRRRRT.
The grandmother in the front row crossed herself.
And she was a witch.
The bride’s face turned redder than the roses on her cover.
“I’LL KILL YOU!”
“Darling, technically, I’m already dead.”
“THEN I’LL KILL YOU AGAIN!”
The priest decided to speed things up.
“Do you take this vampire to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse, in sickness and in health, until death do you part?”
The bride took a deep breath.
The moment she had dreamed of for centuries had finally arrived.
She opened her mouth.
BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURP!
The priest’s wig flew off.
A demon in the third row fainted.
The groom gazed at her, deeply moved.
“Was that a yes?”
Tears rolled down the bride’s cheeks. Partly from happiness, partly from stomach acid.
“NO, YOU IDIOT! I HAVE ACID REFLUX!”
The vampire sighed with relief.
That was a mistake.
PRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRT!
The two-hundred-year-old stained-glass window behind the altar shattered into a thousand pieces.
The priest announced that he had been officiating weddings for thirty years, but this was the first time he felt that an exorcism would have been the more professionally appropriate service.
The bride demanded to be returned to Etsy immediately.
The groom locked himself in the family crypt.
The wedding guests ate the cake.
It was filled with whipped cream.
The following morning, a reporter from the local newspaper arrived outside the castle.
“Is it true that the wedding was cancelled?”
The priest looked at him wearily.
“I have no idea. The bride burped, the groom farted, and I married them out of sheer reflex.”
“And where are they now?”
A terrifying rumble erupted from the crypt.
The priest removed his glasses.
“On their honeymoon.”
The reporter looked up at the castle.
“And how long will it last?”
“Until they run out of cream.”
The dark romance book cover is still for sale. Husband not included.
☕ The next episode of Mad Tea Afternoon has been banned indefinitely by the local public health authorities.
Continue the Conversation
If this story resonated with you, here are three more you might enjoy.
– Two Men Tried to Choose a Dark Romance Book Cover. It Did Not Go Well
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– This Premade Book Cover Tried to Become a Cake. It Did Not Go Well
A romantic book cover enters a bakery. The pastries are offended. The food inspectors have the final word.
– A Dark Fantasy Premade Book Cover Takes the Bus
Six luxury cars, one beautiful bus driver, and a dark fantasy book cover about to make some very questionable career decisions.
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